Requirements:
1) Applicant must be strongly against the war in Iraq. Our campaign slogan
for ’08 will be “Every war is the wrong war at the wrong place at
the wrong time!”
2) Applicant must be good at hiding disappointment when Al Qaeda ringleaders
are killed.
3) Applicant must agree that if he or she wins the Presidency, an immediate
summit conference will be held in Paris to apologize to the world for the death
and destruction caused by Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. This summit will be followed
by a trip to Gaza to meet with the elected Hamas leadership to show the Palestinians
that we are, again, “honest brokers.” This will help to “ease
tensions in that :troubled” region.
4) Applicants with multicultural sounding names like “Barak Obama”,
need not read further. Please call us directly.
5) Applicant must be able to convince minorities that they are still victims
of America’s ongoing systemic, racist oppression. Would help if applicant
has basic knowledge of American history to be able to make comparisons to “plantations,”
etc., as Mrs. Clinton did recently.
6) Applicant must be able to casually cast off old friendships for the sake
of party cohesion (think Gore not calling his 2000 running mate, Joe Lieberman,
before endorsing Howard Dean in ’03) . Loyalty, civility and morals are
not requirements for the job.
7) Applicant must be somewhat fluent in “Dem-speak” – that
is, the ability to use big words in long sentences to give the impression that
you know what you’re talking about. Here in the Democratic party, we prefer
long, muddled answers to short, simple questions. It makes us look smarter,
which of course, we are. We understand that this proficiency takes time to perfect
so we will provide videotapes of Joe Biden, both Clintons, John Kerry, and other
masters of this important skill.
8) The energy of the party is in the blogging community. Applicant must be
able to write meaningful-sounding blogs that speak to Bush’s stupidity,
incompetence or insensitivitiy, on a regular basis.
9) Applicant must be able to participate in events like one-day hunger strikes
with Cindy Sheehan if she asks. We know this is a great, great sacrifice, but
hey, we’re at war, with Bush.
So, if you want to help us win back the White House from the Nazi's that occupy
it now, please apply. The Democratic party needs you!
